Battling Ennui
Dunkirk NY – There is really no other way to put it than this: I’m bored. De-motivated. Struggling to find some reason to move forward.
Perhaps it’s the winter. Perhaps my SAD is not fully under control. Perhaps I am not eating enough chocolate or getting enough exercise or drinking enough. Perhaps I am tired of looking at all my windows and realizing they are shut tight. Perhaps the lack of a full-functioning bathroom and having to shower in the basement for the last four weeks while waiting for the re-modeling to be finished is taking a toll. Perhaps it’s realizing I can’t find a pair of underwear without holes in it. I dislike shopping for clothes as it is.
It’s just that a series of events have taken place over the month of February, and those events seem to be nothing but acute reminders of how diffident I have been towards things lately. I went to see Avatar – the storyline was a re-hash of every hero myth I’ve ever seen, and I was rather indifferent to the computer animation. I went to see our department’s production of Electra last night – intellectually interesting but not much for the heart or the soul. The bathroom remodeling is my wife’s project, and I am pretty indifferent to it. It’s an improvement, to be sure, and the downstairs bathroom needed serious repair, but I just can’t get too excited about it. The Olympics – please. Every figure skater looks the same, and why is it that some kid who happens to be able to do twists and turns on a snowboard becomes such a cultural hero?
I spent some time and some political capital on my campus in a recent effort to create a College of Visual and Performing Arts. The result was favorable, and a new college will be created starting in the fall of 2012. But somehow, despite the fact that I believe this is a major achievement and the right move for our campus, I feel slightly disengaged about the upcoming process to create the organizational structure. It’s something I’ve been talking up since 2003, and now that it will happen, I almost don’t care. Almost.
Even in the world of theatre, I see so little that excites me. More British Shakespeare in New York leaves me cold. I just got cast as Leonato for the summer in Shakespeare in Delaware Park. I’ll be playing the role for the third time. Discussions in the world of the theatrosphere seem to solve very little, and the work of trying to change the theatre in the face of an uncaring and unresponsive culture seems to be fruitless. The Ohio Theatre closes, and who truly cares beyond a handful of devotees who probably loved the idea of the Ohio Theatre more than its actual existence?
And naturally, sometimes I just feel isolated. Living in a small city in upstate NY carries its own tribulations, especially in the winter. This past Wednesday there was a huge fire in downtown Dunkirk. The 101-year-old Masonic Temple Building went up flames. The building sits right in the center of the main block of the city, across from City Hall. The fire was spectacular, but depressing as well, as it’s another hit to the economic depression already afflicting the city.
When you consider the trials and tribulations that affect so many of my neighbors and this city, somehow the question of whether or not Sarah Ruhl is a good playwright loses its significance.
If there is anything that is of interest to me these days, it seems to be the people I meet who have absolutely nothing to do with theatre or academia. The man doing my bathroom is a great guy and wonderful to talk to. He knows so many local people that I feel jealous. I ate lunch yesterday with a complete stranger at a local diner and had an interesting conversation about next to nothing. He was just a plainspoken, friendly guy. I always have these wonderful little conversations with Angela, the woman at the cash register in the student center where I get my bacon/egg/cheese sandwich some mornings. She talks about her vacation in Florida and how her husband is down there fixing up their small trailer, getting it ready for their retirement (retirement!). And Sue over in Cranston Dining Hall always asks about my son Eric, with whom she worked for a few months. They have their worries and concerns, I am sure, but at least they don’t appear to be trying to impress anyone.
I wish I knew how to create theatre for these people. I’m depressed that I don’t. They deserve better of me. -twl
